In memory of Isaac

Isaac William Gwaltney
Born and reborn December 26, 1987

Visitor From Heaven
Twila Paris

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a while
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile

A visitor from Heaven
Accompanied by grace
Reminding of a better love
And of a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we’re so glad you came
We’re so glad you came

A visitor from Heaven
If only for a day
We thank Him for the time He gave
And now it’s time to say
We trust you to the Father’s love
And to His tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And we’re so glad you’re there
We’re so glad you’re there

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we’re so glad you came
We’re so glad you came

Overparenting

"Fear is a kind of parenting fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind."

Nancy Gibbs
Can These Parents Be Saved?
Time Magazine Nov 30th

A pointless exercise

I was born 54 years ago
I graduated from high school 37 years ago.
I bought my first car (for $500) 37 years ago.
I was married 34 years ago.
I went to Europe 33 years ago.
I was divorced 30 years ago.
I gave my last horse away to a friend 29 years ago.
I graduated from college 27 years ago.
I moved to NC 27 years ago.
I met Will 26 years ago.
I married Will 25 years ago.
I worked my last day of a full-time job 24 years ago.
I had my first child 24 years ago.
My second child died at birth 21 years ago.
I started homeschooling 19 years ago.
We moved to Alabama 18 years ago.
We returned to NC 13 years ago.
My youngest child was born 12 years ago.
My oldest child graduated from college and was married 1 year ago.
I joined the Catholic Church 3 weeks ago.

Coming "home" to the RCC

This is mostly a reprint of something I posted on my wall on facebook.

I joined the Catholic church in a Rite of Reception yesterday, July 12th. Of course no one thought to bring a camera, so there are no pictures. It's a shame, because I looked good! ;-) (Even though I was nervous!)

Will was my sponsor, which was comforting. Father John loves the anointing oil, so he poured a liberal amount on my head in the shape of a cross, and then rubbed it down my forehead and cheeks. I dripped for several hours until I could shower! It smells wonderful, though, so I didn't mind much looking like a drowned rat.

When I came back down the aisle to Will after taking communion (the new members take first), he was crying. We knelt together and he just held my arm and cried quietly for a while. It was very sweet. ...

The Liturgy of the Eucharist really did take on special meaning for me once I knew I could fully participate. I felt like I was hearing and saying all of it for the first time.

Deciding to join the RCC was a leap of faith, even with all the careful consideration I put into it over the past three years. In the end I had to just step up and do it. In some ways the deciding factor was the structure, freedom within boundaries meant a true freedom for me. I finally realized that I have felt like so much depended on me in the past, and now I don't. I love the Sacraments because they are God's doing. They work because he wills it. Not because of me, or the priest, but because God wills it. I get grace no matter what. I get to stop trying to interpret God or His will. I get to receive and then, hopefully, spread it around. I don't' have to be careful with it. I can love recklessly and let God sort it all out.

The structure of the RCC and of the Mass specifically allows me to not only be free, but to grab on when I don't know what to do or how to feel...which is often. The liturgy lays the path out for me to follow, and again, God's will means the path is right.

I still have many question and confusions about the Church. And I know they are as screwed up as any other church or institution. But to paraphrase one of the disciples, "Where else would I go? You alone can show me the truth."

Thank you to all my friends who have influenced me, supported me, prayed for me, admonished me, challenged me, changed me, argued with me, and loved me. I thank God for you daily.

Edited to Add: Will wants me to make sure everyone knows he cried in a very manly way. ;-)

Marriage, revisited

I recently had a conversation with Julie about marriage. Her question was whether we should reverence long-term marriages. It's a good post and a good conversation. Check it out if you haven't already.

My take, much distilled, is that marriage shouldn't be reverenced at all, but relationships need to be supported and nurtured. I also pointed out that for whatever reason, people still want/need long-term, committed relationships. We seem to be built that way. Whether it's family, friends, or lovers, we want people who will be in our lives for the long haul, and ending those relationships is extrememly painful.

Last night while I lounged on the bed sporadically reading my book, Iturned on the TV and caught part of a movie titled Shall We Dance? The movie is so-so, but it has an interesting message about marriage, midlife changes, and "finding yourself." (How cliche is that?) The character played by Susan Sarandon hires a private investigator because she thinks her husband is having an affair. The PI asks a rhetorical question at one point- "Why do people still want to get married?" Sarandon's character gives this answer, "People get married to have a witness for their life." She goes on to expand on that thought in a short monologue that I think is full of truth and insight. We live on a crowded planet. Marriage, or any long-term relationship, helps give our life continuity and meaning. Having someone witness our life helps validate it. I know as I get older the people who have known me for 10, 15, or even 20 years hold a special place in my life. They have the back story, they know the score, and they are still there. Witnessing my life, giving it meaning, supporting and loving me. In a society where other long-term relationships are fragile- community, friends, extended family- we want to think someone is committed to being there, not leaving, not moving away, but always there giving continuity to our days. Our lives are like art masterpieces that need viewers to appreciate them. What do they matter if no one is there to share the joy, beauty, and pain? Lovers, friends, families, communities all give our lives that shared meaning.

Why do people still hope and pray marriage works? At least partly because we want someone there to witness our life so we know it matters; that we matter.

42 hours alone

True confession time. I think I'm turning into a closet introvert. For the past few years my evenings have consisted mainly of me retiring to my room to surf the web, read, or watch TV. Hopefully, by myself. And now I've spent the last 42 hours by myself, mainly in my house, alone, and it's been blissful. Heaven. Like getting into a warm, scented bath on a winter evening, or downing that first drink of something cool and wet after mowing the lawn, or jogging in the heat. For 42 hours no one talked to me, no one needed anything, and no one needed a ride anywhere. No deadlines.

I've watched five movies. I've read for hours. I ate only what and when I wanted. I exercised when I felt like it. I spent over an hour in a book store just browsing. I did laundry and cleaned my bathroom, but I even enjoyed that.

I never thought a weekend to myself as very appealing. I've known people to go on silent retreats and I thought that was cool, but not for me. Maybe it's age. Who knows. But while I love, love, love to spend time with my husband, and I enjoy my children and friends, I find I enjoy myself, too. And I find I really enjoy watching movies alone. And I like to read. And I like to "waste" time doing almost nothing.

I'm looking forward to my week alone with Will in July. That's a different and wonderful kind of alone time, and I treasure it even more than time totally alone. But totally alone has grown in appeal, at least for 42 hours. That's probably just the right amount of time. Or maybe about 42 more would be nice, too.

25 Random Things About Me

This was suppose to go on Facebook, but there are too many teens who check out my page. So I'm putting this here.

1. My parent and siblings thought I should never have children because I wouldn't be a good mom. They thought I should have a career and animals.
2. It took me many years to believe what they said wasn't true.
3. It took me a few more years to realize they really didn't mean it to be unkind. But it showed me the power of words in a person's life. Be careful what you tell a child they can or cannot do. They believe you.
4. It was after my divorce at 24 that I realized what I wanted was a husband, home, and family.
5. I spent 4 years working with race horses and living on racetacks up and down the east coast, from 20-24. I was alternately an exercise rider and a groom.
6. Horses are my first love. I haven't really been around them in years, but I know exactly how they feel, small, and sound. They will always be the most beautiful things on earth to me.
7. I gave up horses to be a wife and mother. I don't regret it, but I miss it. I believe life is about choices and that "having it all" is a myth that breeds discontent and heartache.
8. This past year I've started reading romance novels for fun. I'm not into the historic bodice-rippers, but I like the contemporary romantic suspense or sci-fi novels. Even the risque ones.
9. I'm an extrovert. I get energy from being around people. But I'm more likely to want to be home these days than out and about. Maybe it's because I've got enough people around me here that I don't need to venture far from home for company.
10. Fridays after I teach at Providence are my favorite times of the week. I don't have any commitments and no deadlines. I get into pj's and curl up with a good book or a movie. Bliss.
11. I went skinny dipping in the ocean off the NJ shore long years ago. That was during my racetrack years.
12. I'm not really fond of ice cream. Homemade is good, store-bought I can pass on.
13. I can't pass on homemade cookies (although I almost never eat packaged ones). I'll eat my weight in just about any homemade cookie. Hense the reason I don't make cookies.
14. I don't really know what I believe anymore, but I'm less worried about it than when I thought I knew. I've stopped trying to pin God down. I can recite the Nicene creed and believe it. I just don't sweat the details anymore.
15. I'm still not 100% sure about what to about church. I like the Catholic Mass, but shy away from the commitment of joining. I'm not much into obligations right now.
16. I've never been skiing, or ice skating.
17. I wear earrings every day. I rarely wear any other jewelry except my wedding rings. I feel really naked without earrings.
18. When I'm feeling stressed or depressed, I can read an entire average-length book in a day or less. One month last summer I read close to 50 books.
19. I don't really mind clutter in my house. I mind that other people might mind my clutter.
20. I don't like day-to-day meal making, but look forward to the day I have time to make fun and interesting dishes. I like cooking with Will.
21. I'm scared of getting Alzheimer's, like my mother.
22. I lived in Japan for a year when I was young. I've rarely worn shoes in the house since. It's just never felt right.
23. I took 4 years of French in high school and another two semesters in college. I had a decent grasp of the language. At 19 I gave up a chance to go to Paris for a month to live with a family and speak only French. I gave it up 'cause my boyfriend was angry I was going. Not THAT, I regret to this day. That was the guy I married and divorced.
24. I am a master procrastinator. I'm doing that now, writing this and not grading papers due tomorrow.
25. For two hours every Friday I have a room full of teens for Biology. I like these kids. And for two hours I try to accept them unconditionally. I don't think about what I know of them outside of class, if they are "nice" or not, wild or not. I try to treat them with respect and love. To help them feel valued. I hope I succeed.

Lifting the Curtain

I had an epiphany today. I realized that as a "good Christian," I'd basically rewritten 14 years of my life, from age 14 to 28. I'd taken the R and X-rated truth and made it PG for the benefit of my family and friends. I quickly picked up on the expectations that if there were egregious sins in my past they weren't to be mentioned except obliquely, and then only to "give my testimony" about how God saved me from my wicked ways.

I complied. I was ashamed, even horrified, by my past. I buried it and praised God for forgiveness and another chance. But midlife reevaluation has hit and now I realize something. I hate having almost a third of my life hidden behind a veil, shut away even from me. No one really knows me, because what I went through those years is an important part of who I am. Along with the things I did that I really do regret, there are some gems. There are relationships that may not have been good choices, but were, and are, sweet memories. I've hidden almost everything for years in fear that anyone who knew what I was really capable of would reject me. All those Christians would be horrified. And I think there is truth in that fear.

I'm not interested in bragging about indiscretion or flaunting sinful behavior. And I would be more than sad to see my children making the decisions I made. I'm not glorifying or rationalizing. What I'm doing is saying is stuff happened, and it's part of who I am.

I started talking to Will about it all when a song on the radio brought back a long-forgotten memory. The memory was so powerful that it overwhelmed me, and I felt like I was shaking for several days. One of the reasons I was so shaken by it was that even though the memory should have made me feel sorrow at my actions, it only made me feel pain and a longing....a longing to remember more.

The memory was from about 30 years ago. I was 22 and had been in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive marriage for almost three years. My husband, Dennis, was a racehorse trainer and we were stabled at Timonium, outside of Baltimore, MD. I remember it was spring and beautiful...everything smelled fresh and new. One day when I was holding a horse for our farrier, Peter, Dennis asked him if I could stay with him for the weekend. Just like that. Like I was a pet dog and Peter was going to dog-sit. Peter had been flirting outrageously with me for months, but that was par for the course at the racetrack. I was female...that was the only criteria needed for every male to make a pass at you. Pete didn't hide it from Dennis, and it didn't matter 'cause Dennis considered it a joke, or some sort of backhanded compliment. But Dennis wanted to go away for a long weekend with the owner of our racehorses, supposedly to an auction, but most likely just to party. We only had one vehicle and our apartment was 45 minutes from the track. I needed to be there each day to take care of the horses, so Dennis needed to find a solution. Pete was his solution.

Pete said sure, and I said nothing at all. Pete was a nice guy, late 20's, good looking and fit. He also drank all day from a flask of vodka and orange juice. I still remember how he always smelled..of horse, leather, vodka and orange juice.

After I finished with the horses the day Dennis left, I climbed into Peter's Volvo wagon and we drove on out to his place farther in the country. I don't remember feeling anything in particular. Perhaps I was even glad to be somewhere else for a change, for Dennis to be gone. Pete and I never even talked about it, or acted like I didn't always go home with him. I know we had a good weekend. We were at the racetrack every morning to work, and spent every afternoon together. I slept with him at night. He packed a lunch for us one day and we drove to a beautiful spot by a creek and we ate lunch and talked. On Sunday, which was Mother's Day, we helped Pete's family deliver flowers around Baltimore. That lunch and the time at the florist shop made something snap inside of me. I felt like I'd been drugged and had finally awakened. I knew I didn't have to live the way I'd been living.

When Dennis returned he picked me up at Pete's house. We all went out to dinner like it was the most normal thing in the world. Pete didn't ask me to stay, although he would have let me if I'd wanted to. I didn't want to. He was sweet, but he had a drinking problem. Plus he worked at the race track, and I was beginning to understand I couldn't stay there forever.

Pete and I remained friends, and he even recommended me as an exercise rider to the owners of Right Pot. But by the end of that summer I had decided to leave the track. Four months after that, Dennis and I officially separated. Within a year after that weekend, I was divorced and never saw Pete again.

I don't plan on dragging up episodes from my past private life for all to dissect, but at the same time I am not going to deny that they exist. Many of the memories really are painful, with no real redeeming sweetness. Maybe only Will will hear about who I was, and how that affects who I am. He assures me he'll love me just the same, and I believe him.

I really am thankful for the chance God gave me for a new life with Will. And by the way, the song that sparked the long-buried memory was Make a Memory by Bon Jovi.

My sister-in-law named 2009 Iditarod Teacher on the Trail

Cathy Walters- 2009 Teacher on the Trail

My wonderful sister-in-law has been named Iditarod's 2009 Teacher on the Trail. It's an amazing amount of work, but she's so excited about the challenge. She'll spend a month in Alaska next winter before, during, and after the race. She will be flown in a small plane from checkpoint to checkpoint throughout the race, where she will file reports for teachers and students across the country to use in "real time" during the race. Throughout this year Cathy will develop curriculum and other classroom materials for use in schools across the country.

I can't tell you how proud I am of Cathy. She's always been a loving, funny, special person, and I'm so happy she's getting this once in a lifetime chance and recognition for how fantastic she is as a teacher.

You can also see a short video of her on the main Iditarod page.

Treading water in the Tiber

Well, everything is on hold again as far as joining the Catholic Church. (I'll try to get back to my story of how I got here..where ever here is...soon.)

We tried to figure out the logistics of how to join the RCC, but it didn't come out satisfactorily for me. We try to go to both churches each weekend, but the truth is Will really has to juggle to make it to mass each week, and in the Catholic Church that's a problem. I realized that I didn't want to join the church until I could mean what I promised, which would include trying my best to attend mass weekly. Right now I can't make that promise. I realized that I am too tied to the church we've been going to for years. I want to be part of that community for my kids' sakes. I enjoy the community and friendship, too, of course, but mainly I want the kids to know I'm in solidarity with them. I realized my joining another church right now, and splitting my time between them, was too much.

I support Will's decision to join the Church, and I want to continue to go with him whenever I can. Someday I will join. But right now I don't want to make any promises that I can't keep, so here I am, in the middle of the Tiber, treading water! Indecision, or in this case the decision not to make a final choice, is not a comfortable place for me, but it just might be where God wants me right now. I've always been the type to want the answers NOW, to have my life planned out with no real uncertainty. Are you laughing?? Yes, well, God chuckles at that, too, I think. In fact, the idea that there is no good answer right now is probably God's answer for me.

Maybe I'll slowly find God on His terms instead of being handed some prepackaged set of beliefs given by someone else, or lots of someone elses. I don't like not knowing what God expects, and not having any boxes to check or lists to cross off. Right now I'm not comfortable. I worry. I wonder. I fret. What should I do, where should I go, what should I believe, is this true, or is this Truth? I believe this mid-life crisis of faith is designed by God to shake me up and get me moving. God seems to do "uncomfortable" well. ;-)

More Wedding photos

A few wedding pictures!

If you click on the picture you will get a larger image. The two bridesmaids are my two younger daughters, and, of course, Will is walking Hannah down the aisle. I'll post more pictures soon!

The Wedding Weekend- Saturday Morning

Our plan was to pick up the photographer (Olivia) at 8:30 Saturday morning, so I set the alarm for about 6:30. (The photographer is the daughter of a friend of mine who is apprenticing in photography.) I woke up before that, but felt so tired I couldn't drag myself out of bed right away. The morning's activities looked daunting to me, and I wanted to delay getting started! However, I finally did rouse myself to action, and after a cup of coffee, got the kids up. Hannah was already up after getting only 3 or 4 hours sleep. Will, Hannah, and I had all made "What To Take" lists and after each list had been consulted, we managed not to forget anything at home. I call that a miracle, especially considering we had all of the bride's stuff, the dresses, shoes, etc, for both bridesmaids (my other two daughters) and for myself, as well as make-up, hair stuff, bouquets, table decorations, rings, homemade candies, cupcake stands, and more. It all made it!

We picked up Olivia about 10 minutes late, and got to the restaurant a little later than planned, but no harm done. We dumped all the dresses and paraphernalia at a "sister" restaurant next door since we would all be dressing there, and took the rest of the wedding stuff on to The Red Room, where Hannah was getting married. The groom and groomsmen arrived in a timely fashion, as well as the flower girl and the pastor, Jimmy Chalmers. (Jimmy wrote a short piece about the wedding on his site yesterday.) They did a quick run-through of the wedding, and then we "girls" retired to get ready.

Hannah and the bridesmaids walked up the aisle to Pachalbel's Canon, and the whole wedding went off smoothly, even though the grooms ring was still sitting in a box next door at the other restaurant! The pastor, my daughter Rebekah, Hannah, and Erik all pulled off a convincing pantomime, and no one knew until afterwards that no ring was actually there for the ceremony! The service took 12 minutes. Afterwards, the guests talked outside in the beautiful weather while the chairs were removed and tables set up, and while photographs were taken.

Speaking of photographs, I honestly don't have any. Not one. We'll be getting some, of course, but over the whole weekend we did not personally take ONE photograph. I was too busy! I'll try to post some as I get them from friends and family (and photographer!).

We had a tight budget for this wedding, but it was intimate and beautiful none-the-less. the bride made all the floral decorations herself from silk flowers, including all the bouquets. She made her necklace and earrings for the wedding, as well as her sister's earrings. A good friend made hundreds of molded chocolate candies for the wedding as a present, which we placed in small bags around on the tables as eatable decorations. The bouquets were placed in glass vases filled with glass stones on a square of mirror for table centerpieces.

For a wedding "cake," we opted for cupcakes in decorative wire cupcake holders, and a small (8") round decorated cake for the bride and groom to cut. We had 4 dozen yellow cupcakes with white buttercream icing, and 4 dozen chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing. The cake was chocolate with a basket weave design in white buttercream. The cake "basket" was "filled" with decorative yellow icing roses on top. We taste tested cakes from several area store bakeries, but no "wedding" cake makers because of the cost. We picked a local food store called Lowe's Foods. The 8 dozen cupcakes and 8" cake together cost us about $70. The least expensive wedding cake we could find for 100 people was $300, most were close to $450.

What we did pay for was great food and great service at The Red Room. We payed for the party, and it was well worth the expense! In my opinion, the food was a much better place to put the money than fancy decorations or over-priced cakes.

The wedding started at 11:00 a.m. and the reception was over by 2:00 p.m. Later I'll make a short post about our fun-filled Saturday afternoon and evening with family.

The Wedding Weekend- Friday Evening

The last week leading up to the wedding was exciting and tiring. On and off Tuesday and Wednesday I had a few min-panic attacks. I felt stressed with all there was to do, and all the unknowns surrounding the wedding details. By Thursday, however, I felt much calmer. There were still unknowns, and still lots to do, but I felt more excitement than stress. I kept checking things off my list and seeing it all come together. By mid-afternoon on Friday, the house was ready, the food was ready, and all the paraphernalia for the wedding had been gathered. Just in time for the out-of-town guests who started to arrive.

Most of my entire family arrived from out of town, coming from the mountains of North Carolina and Virginia, and as far away as Oklahoma. Will's family came as well, from Virginia and Ohio. All together we had almost 30 people arriving Friday afternoon and evening ranging from 2 years old to mid-70's. I planned food that could stay out and be snacked on all evening, and had a cooler full of drinks on ice.

Friday evening was full of catching up between family members, and making new acquaintances between families. There was always some group telling stories and people laughing so hard they were gasping for breath. As hostess, I stayed busy and didn't have as much time to just sit as I might wish, but it was fun to be an "observer" of this wonderful group of people. I was struck again by how blessed I am to be surrounded by such loving and open people as my family and Will's family. How can anyone be so doubly-blessed?

Erik and his two close friends (and future groomsmen) from Oregon stopped by for a while, and then went off again to see Iron Man and try not to stress over the wedding.

All the guests had headed to their hotel rooms by 10:00 pm or so, and Will and I cleaned up some before getting everything organized for the morning. Then we all went to bed, except Hannah, who I think got very little sleep!