I might not be able to write about this now because the feeling has past. As strong as it was earlier today, it's now gone. That inexplicable sadness that threatens to overwhelm me at times has passed again, and again I wonder if I'm just imagining it. Surely it wasn't as bad as I think it was? After all, I'm fine now. Happy, in fact, because people are enjoying my blog and I feel so encouraged. But I can't be wrong, because I remember....
The feeling first appeared today as I drove toward Sam's. (And no, it wasn't the thought of shopping at Sam's.. or the guilt..or whatever! :-P) As I drove along I felt a distinct clutch of grief in my chest. I literally cast around in my mind wondering if I'd forgotten something sad. That's happened to me sometimes in the past when a sadness has started to get "old." I'll stop thinking about it for a while, yet the feelings will re-emerge even before the thoughts do..dragging me back to the grief. It's like your mind says, "Oh yeah..I remember why I feel this way." But today there was no reason I could think of. Surely there are sad and unfortunate things going on in my life, like everyone elses, but no major sadness or grief.
In the car I shook my head and took a deep breath. I thought of other things and the feeling past. But it didn't stay gone. Why in the world would standing in front of a frozen food locker in Sam's trigger a powerful wave of grief? That's definitely what it was: grief. Funny- this has happened to me before and I hadn't really identified the feeling. I called it anxiety and even anger or frustration, but today I knew what it was. It was a "sit down in the floor and cry" sadness. A sense of loss and hopelessness. Over frozen food??
Okay, so I admit to a sense of inadequcy about food prep and meal planning. It causes me anxiety and a bit of humiliation, but grief? Somehow, I can't really imagine the two things are closely linked, although I am at a loss for why it happened at that place and that time.
What was I grieving for? I don't know. All I know is that when it hits, the feeling sucks my energy- both mental and physical--just like "real" grief. Today was good, though, because it came and went fairly quickly. Sometimes when it happens it stays for hours and I have an overhwleming desire to play Joan Baez's Diamonds and Rust while sitting in the dark crying. (I haven't succombed to that impluse yet, but it has a certain "star-crossed lover" appeal, don't you think?)
I'm 51...maybe I'll blame it all on hormones.
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9 comments:
this happens to me often, always at the most mundane crazy times. I think I had one at a frozen veggie aisle too LOL! I usually attribute it to having a lot of stuff happen in my life that doesn't always get much processing time before I need to move on and take care of life. Stuff is always there. And I"m sure hormones play a triggering part but a 13 year old may really "cry for no reason", while I'd say 50 (1) year old may have plenty of things to cry about!
Ah, wanted to add that that these moments are as valuable to me as "smelling the coffee" is. Slowing down and acknowledging it is something I try to intentionally do.
Tia- sometimes I wonder if that feeling of grief is just the stress trying to find a way out. I know I tend to worry and over-think, and if I let myself I can get completely discouraged about parenting, the kids futures, money, homeschooling, how I'm scvrewing up...etc. But even my tendency to over think doesn't negate the fact that there are real things to be concerned about, as you say. We're very worried about #1 son. He's a great guy, but seems unprepared for college or work. And it goes on...
So maybe the stress that I am feeling and not able to work out (because there is no way for me to do much about the problems), might come out as a sense of hopelessness and grief. I dunno. Just slowing down as you suggested and thinking about it.
Carrie
Places will make me feel that way. Walmart does it right away. I pick up on negative vibes.
Worry about my children is the worst. One reason I'm going to find a therapist/life couch is to get some ideas on how to handle that.
I do know that I need to process by talking or writing about my problems. I dont' really have a place to process...at least not with someone unbiased. Thus, my need for a therapist/life coach.
Menopause, diabetes, thyroid, all these things can affect your emotions. It wouldn't hurt to mention this to your doctor.
Hugs Carrie!
Susan
OH maybe it's just Walmart that is the trigger for all that is out of our control. Seriously...go with me here for a bit. These huge, enveloping box stores with their bigger-than-a-stadium-field parking lots can really dwarf us. And we often have things on our proverbial plates that "dwarf" us. So may that just bring it all out. If I had a dime for every time I cried in Walmart...well that would be a dime a week, which is what? 52 dimes a year? A whopping $5.20. Well, not so much. Maybe a gallon of Walmart milk and a little travel pack of tissue to dry my tears.... ;-)
Tia, I get depressed at malls too. Anywhere indoors, especially warehouse type places, with lots of people will get to me. It's like I absorb the angst of people around me. I advoid these places as much as possible.
I will take tissue next time. ;-)
Susan
P.S. I think this is one reason I never did like our last church. It was huge, warehouse style, packed with emotional people. Yikes. Give me a tiny country church or my gazebo any day.
Susan
Places can affect me, too. I hadn't thought about it, but I do tend to get these "episodes" more in a public place like the mall or Sam's than at home.
Susan, your idea of a therapist or life coach is something I've been thinking about. There is a lot to process in life and little time or "space" to do it.
Thanks,
Carrie
Carrie, you could put this post with the self portrait I did in my blog a couple days ago. How you described the feeling coming on and then leaving is how I felt. Right now, it is easier for me to identify my reasons for grief but even before everything that has happened in the past 6 months, I'd still have times like the one you described. Having a counselor these past 6 months has been good but being able to identify why I feel the way I do and being able to change are two different things. The change part is slow and sucky and requires a lot of retraining of how we think... that's what I am learning in counseling. And, like Susan said, having a checkup doesn't hurt either. Having my prescription iron has helped tremendously.
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