I might not be able to write about this now because the feeling has past. As strong as it was earlier today, it's now gone. That inexplicable sadness that threatens to overwhelm me at times has passed again, and again I wonder if I'm just imagining it. Surely it wasn't as bad as I think it was? After all, I'm fine now. Happy, in fact, because people are enjoying my blog and I feel so encouraged. But I can't be wrong, because I remember....
The feeling first appeared today as I drove toward Sam's. (And no, it wasn't the thought of shopping at Sam's.. or the guilt..or whatever! :-P) As I drove along I felt a distinct clutch of grief in my chest. I literally cast around in my mind wondering if I'd forgotten something sad. That's happened to me sometimes in the past when a sadness has started to get "old." I'll stop thinking about it for a while, yet the feelings will re-emerge even before the thoughts do..dragging me back to the grief. It's like your mind says, "Oh yeah..I remember why I feel this way." But today there was no reason I could think of. Surely there are sad and unfortunate things going on in my life, like everyone elses, but no major sadness or grief.
In the car I shook my head and took a deep breath. I thought of other things and the feeling past. But it didn't stay gone. Why in the world would standing in front of a frozen food locker in Sam's trigger a powerful wave of grief? That's definitely what it was: grief. Funny- this has happened to me before and I hadn't really identified the feeling. I called it anxiety and even anger or frustration, but today I knew what it was. It was a "sit down in the floor and cry" sadness. A sense of loss and hopelessness. Over frozen food??
Okay, so I admit to a sense of inadequcy about food prep and meal planning. It causes me anxiety and a bit of humiliation, but grief? Somehow, I can't really imagine the two things are closely linked, although I am at a loss for why it happened at that place and that time.
What was I grieving for? I don't know. All I know is that when it hits, the feeling sucks my energy- both mental and physical--just like "real" grief. Today was good, though, because it came and went fairly quickly. Sometimes when it happens it stays for hours and I have an overhwleming desire to play Joan Baez's Diamonds and Rust while sitting in the dark crying. (I haven't succombed to that impluse yet, but it has a certain "star-crossed lover" appeal, don't you think?)
I'm 51...maybe I'll blame it all on hormones.